How Do I Stop My 4 Year Old’s Crying or Meltdown?

Our Bedtime Routine:

Every night is the same and expectable. No fight and no argument!  

My husband goes with Hana while I am with Tiberius. They both brush their teeth by themselves with our presents. After brushing their teeth, we tug them in with nighttime stories, reading books, or simply talking to reconnect with them. And they can talk forever. The conversations can go on for hours if we let them be.

After my husband is done with Hana and I am done with Tiberius, we switch. That way it is fair. They both have both parents. This process can go up to one hour or more if we allow it.

However, most of the time, it takes 30 minutes.

But last night, it was different.

Occasionally, my little persistent girl wanted it her way and twisted the routine to meet her needs. She knew what she wanted and had her way of changing things around to keep us with her as long as she could. Last night, she wanted daddy to give her one-minute iPhone-time before telling her a story. But daddy didn’t agree and rushed her to brush her teeth because daddy was tired after a long day at work.

She had the meltdown and cried. Sometimes, she could go on for 45 minutes to 2 hours. She could cry herself out until she was tired.

As usual, I could go straight to be an authority mamma, yelling, threatening, reasoning, commanding, warning and walking away. But last night, I knew that I must change and gave her some time.

To be honest, after 13 hours with 2 high energetic kids, I was exhausted and just wanted to go to my own corner and relax or go straight to bed. My first option was going straight to my shortcut lazy parenting, raising my voice, commanding her to stop crying, and walking away.

Deep down, I knew that could be a battle of 2 hours for us. I was exhausted and didn’t want to go there. In addition, we had such a wonderful calm day during the day yesterday. I didn’t want to ruin it. I told myself that it was only 1 more hour and I would be off to my paradise, be patient and creative. 

How Did I stop my 4 years old’s meltdown?

I looked at her and told her that I was there to work it out with her. “If you are ready to talk to mommy, I am here to listen. If not, I will walk out, and you can come to me when you are ready.”

As I pulled myself away, I felt the little hands pulling me back. I leaned over. “are you ready? You can tell me, but I can’t hear you if you keep crying.” She didn’t say anything. I pulled myself away again. And this time, quickly she grasped my hand with her both tiny hands.

The feeling of her petite warm hands melted me. Deep down I knew she needed me. I sat down next to her and asked what she wanted me to do. She didn’t tell me but kept crying louder.

I pulled her toward me and hugged her. She resisted, but I was determined. I pulled her harder to hug her. She leaned on my shoulder and kept crying.

That hug changed everything. Did it stop her crying right away? No. But it did give her a feeling that I was there for her. She felt safe with me now. She knew that I would give her the time she needed.

After 15’ of crying, she was emotionally tired. She didn’t have the willpower to stop herself even when she wanted to. She was stuck in her own emotion. And she needed a moment or two or maybe 45 minutes to get out of that feeling. Hugging allows her time and secures her feelings.

After hugging her for 5 minutes, I lay down with her. She put my arms around her and tried to hold it as tied as she could. She pulled me closer to her as much as she could. And still crying!

I told her I need to go back to my work. I gave her 5 more minutes. I told her “I know you are upset and not happy right now.” I could feel her body more relaxed and the crying slowing down. I asked her again.

What happened? Do you want to tell me?

What did you want to do and couldn’t do?

Did daddy do something wrong?

Were you upset about something?

Were you upset with daddy?

She started to talk about what daddy did was bothering her. She didn’t want to be rushed. But instead, daddy kept rushing her to brush her teeth without listening to her. It was difficult for her and too much for her at the moment.

And that was it. I hugged her, listened to her, allowed her time to talk and reflect. The cry stopped immediately. The hug was tighter. She didn’t let me go. I told her 5 more minutes I would go back to my work. She was off to her sleep as fast as turning around hugging me as tight as she could. 

What did I learn?

My 5 minutes was always 10 to 30 minutes. Tonight, it was one hour. Laying there and feeling her soft hug, I learnt that this little human being is not trying to be manipulative, stubborn, or strong-willed like we always accuse them when they have a meltdown or want their ways. They have so little to express their needs, so they use all the techniques of 4 years of experience to get our attention and understanding.

They know whining and crying work. Of course, they will use it to the max until we teach them new ways of expressing their feelings and needs. They are not trying to be manipulative but want to be understood.

My daughter just wanted to be heart and understood. She needed to feel safe. 

When the meltdowns don’t stop

If you are reading this far, my guess is that you are going through something similar or maybe worst. To be honest, I don’t feel my kids’ meltdowns are the worst compared to other family’s cases revealed on Supernanny shows on YouTube.

I don’t have everything in control. I don’t have all the parenting tools. I am not perfect and need support as I go. And I know I am not alone. I do a lot of research and read books as I go.

Lucky for me that the meltdown last night didn’t last long because I used a couple tips which I read recently from Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Ed. D..

In the book she talks a lot about being present, offering touch, reconnecting before correcting. Her teaching tips are “Stay with or near your child. To be left alone with such strong emotions can be very frightening to your child. They need your calm physical presence to let them know that you care and that you are available.”

Here is her list of spirited kids experiencing a spillover meltdown need to hear:

This is a flood.

You are being overwhelmed by your emotions.

I am here. I will help you.

It is all right to cry, but you many do not kick or bite.

If we can, we will stop what is flooding you.

If you can’t stop the meltdown, maybe check here on YouTube. Supernanny shows gave me a new perspective about meltdown and misbehaviors in my kids. There are parents out there dealing with worser behaviors. I also learnt about my lack of parenting skills from watching those videos.

Raising Your Spirited Child not only teaches me a new positive way of looking at my children’s temperaments but also shows me how to look at my own temperament. She makes sure that as a parent we need to check in with our emotions and stress level because our children can sense our stress easily like night and day. It is important to take care of yourself to make sure you are emotionally available for your kids.

One thing I won’t change if I have to deal with the meltdown again

One thing on my parenting list I have been learning from my own experience and mistakes is “being consistent”.

I am being consistent with their bedtime routine no matter what. The bedtime routine does not include electronics. Light is out by 7:30pm. Mommy is back to work at 8:00pm.

I keep repeating myself over and over, days after days, weeks after weeks, until they get it. One thing I learnt, eventually someone would give up. To create a new habit, as a parent I can’t give up.

Consistency slowly builds a new habit. Know your limit and what you can do to follow through! Be consistent!